Screwed.edu
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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