Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
