It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
