and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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