the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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