hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
