I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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