Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
