they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
