Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
