I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
