I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
