You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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