I met the friendliest cop last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
