I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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