Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
