i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
