sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
