I'm really into asian looking animals
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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