Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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