If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
