areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
