The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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