How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
