Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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