Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
