can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize