he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
