She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
