i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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