Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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