so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
