I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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