I heard we made out
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
