He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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