I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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