there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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