i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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