Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He did a backflip because drugs
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