I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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