Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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