So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
