okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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