forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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