i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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