I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
