dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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