Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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