Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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