Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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