sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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