You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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