I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
