There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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