Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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